Financial Betting Articles

How To Avoid A Credit Crunch

OK. Maybe it's time to let you down... gently. I can't save us from this Credit Crunch.

Be brave, fellow Traveller. But let's face the facts - it's already started. Short of me transporting the whole world back in time (and don't get me started on those carbon emissions) we're gonna have to work our way through this.

I can, however, exclusively provide you with a free Guide To Avoiding Another Credit Crunch.

It goes something like this:

1) Sit down the heads of every bank and ask them to describe how Options work. If they can't the CEO is sacked.

2) The ones who can describe the mechanics of Options are then asked about the mechanics of every other instrument they sell. So we ask them to explain, amongst others, CDOs, CDS's, RFUs, WIs, RAFs, WAGs and, of course, RSVPs. If the CEO cannot explain how each and every thing they sell to the poor and stupid buyers of these things work they are sacked. Just as they are sacked if they can't spot blatantly made up instruments. (CDOs?? Who'd ever fall for one of those??)

3) We ask them if their traders are being paid huge bonuses even though they are still exposed in the markets, i.e. could the traders' current positions easily wipe out their contribution to recent profitability and more. If this is the case the CEO is sacked.

4) We ask the CEO to demonstrate that he has personally and recently bought some of the instruments his company so cheerily sells. If he doesn't buy what he sells he is fired.

5) We give the CEO five minutes to phone his Global Head of Risk and see how much they're exposed to, say, JP Morgan. If this figure isn't at their finger tips we fire the CEO.

6) The CEO then has to reveal his own pay packet without a) Giggling, b)Blushing, or c) Fist pumping the air whilst he cries "Yeah, baby! And when the bank's gone I'll still have my greenbacks, yeah!!" If he can't - and he won't be able to - he's fired.

7) The CEO is then asked his golf handicap. If it's single figures he's fired.

Seem a tad, hmm, harsh? But would we be in this dog's dinner if we had submitted them to questions 1 through 7? Really...?

Next week Global Warming!

Women On Top

The wife says the banks wouldn't be carrying so much risk if there were more women in senior positions, just like there wouldn't be wars if women ran the world. But I slapped her down with "Then what about Helen of Troy??"

Slam dunk.

Men 1 Feminists 0.

I could tell by the way she sat there silently with hot flushed cheeks that she was livid with herself all night for that.