Financial Betting Articles

My Credit Crunch Rescue Package

OK, we've had Paulsen's (well, it's only Monday so by the end of the week it could change - a dozen times). We've had Gordon Brown's (well, Gordon Brown's if you ignore the words "Alistair Darling" scribbled out at the top). But we haven't had mine.

And lo, the world was saved by my 12 point package:

1) Make every mortgage self-declared.

2) Don't let Hank Paulsen near ANY rescue packages.

3) Make Monopoly money legal tender.

4) Make leaves legal tender so that money really does grow on trees.

5) Reduce interest rates to -5%. People get paid to have loans.

6) Nationalise every bank and business except Barclays, the executives of which are locked in a Big Brother bank where we get to watch them eat their bonuses.

7) Make saving money illegal. On pain of death. Or being stuck in a lift with Alistair Darling.

8) Make the purchase of new cars and electrical goods compulsory, replace Donor Cards with M&S Store Cards and replace all news programmes with BidUp TV.

9) Swap all the "+" and "-"'s in the financial system.

10) Employ somebody - Ray Winstone, if you like - to cough loudly every time a negative government figure is read out. Make Robert Peston cover his ears and go "nar nar narrrr" every time the Treasury leaks something to him.

11) Take Lehman Brothers out of insolvency, write off their debts and re-employ everybody. Except the executives have to wear clown noses for the rest of their working lives. (Lest we forget...)

12) Put Prozac in the water supply. ("Unemployment up 100%?? Great!" "Hack hack hack!" "Somebody get Ray a glass of water, he's about to croak.")

13) Teach people to count.

If this doesn't get me my Blue Peter badge nothing will.