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And so, with the economy about to go pop, we turn to the King of Pop himself, Mr Simon Cowell, as he and his fellow pannelists judge the final three contestants in this century's Ex Economic Great White Hope. Step forward Gordon Brown, Henry Paulson and the entire US House of Representatives.

SIMON: So, Gordon, what makes you believe you've got the Ex Factor?
GORDON: Well, Simon, if I may just be allowed to speak-
SIMON: I didn't say anything.
GORDON: -There you go again. The reason I believe I would make the perfect Ex Prime Minister is that I have just this very week set up a committee to look into the effects of this Credit Crunch on Great Britain - and it really is a Great Britain that we live in, not Scotland, I can assure you of that, I couldn't find the place on the map if I tried...
CHERYL: I saw some nice shoes in Scotland once. Or was it Ireland...?
LOUIS: Singers don't pay tax in Ireland. So you'd be on 40% then.
DANNI: I'm Kylie's sister.
SIMON: Yes, thank you Gordon. Well if your idea of reacting to a crisis is to set up a committee to look into it a year after it's started I can honestly say you have a great chance of becoming this year's biggest Ex Economic White Hope. ...Henry Paulson, why should you become the Ex US Treasury Secretary?
HENRY: I am committed to pumping $1 trillion into the US economy to make sure that I can say that I tried everything I could when I blow the candle out on way out.
SIMON: Don't you mean "turn the light off on the way out"?
HENRY: You clearly have no idea how bad things are...
SIMON: Anyway, I thought it was $850bn?
HENRY: Ah, yeah, turns out that when the congressmen from the State of Kentucky asked to pave their streets with gold, well, they, erm, weren't kidding...
CHERYL: I spent $1 trillion on a pair of shoes once.
DANNI: I'm Kylie's sister.
LOUIS: Careful, Danni, we wouldn't want your face to snap.
SIMON: Yes, thank you Henry. You are living proof that the expression "He's got more money than he could ever spend" is utter tripe. I can really see you winning the public's vote on this one. And the US House of Representatives - anything to add...?
CONGRESSMAN: Got your attention now, haven't we. Always the underdog, the also run, the poor man's senator - not any more. The world's listening to us now and we've a billion dollars in pork-belly into the bargain. McCain and Obama kissing my a*se in the same week. I thought I'd died and gone to hog heaven.
LOUIS: Hog heaven? That's where Danni's going if she behaves herself.
DANNI: I can't look at you anymore, Louis.
LOUIS: Oh, I'm just after joshing.
DANNI: It's not that. I think this is a bad batch of botox.
CHERYL: I had some botox shoes once. Or were they Prada?
SIMON: Somebody get me out of here...
LOUIS: Did you say, "I'm A Bankrupt Get Me Outta Here…"?
SIMON: It's my format!
LOUIS: I thought of it first!
SIMON: 50/50?

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